Okay, so, I give up. I surrender. Fanfiction writers are officially defunct. This movie has already written its own fanfiction for us. There was legitimate hurt/comfort in there, guys. It is its own fanfiction.
I mean, Chrissakes, Holmes has his legs up around Watson's ears at one point! The (almost) final moment features Holmes and Watson gazing into each other's eyes and then shutting them in eternal soul-rending anguish! Mary Morstan almost shoots a man and then Holmes says, "Do you trust me?" and she says "No," and he says "I'll have to do something about that"!! Even the gypsy, Simza, was looking at Holmes and Watson like, Who are you guys and why are you gay bantering in my tent? and later in the train like, Okay, you're totally fucking, you don't have to hide it. The Sharpshooter Guy (Moran) discusses opera with his evil employer! Holmes and Watson waltz together in public at a ball! Holmes battles Moriarty in a mind-duel on the astral plane! (Really.) Stephen Fry gets naked in this movie! That's practically a commandment!
This movie gets down on its knees and begs for the dirtiest fanfiction ever. It's like Guy Ritchie and the rest were trying to pack in the most amount of Ho Yay, innuendo, wink-winks, and enticements to threesomes that I've ever seen. I think I'm kind of shipping Moran with Watson now. Or how about Simza/Anarchist French Guy (Claude?)*/Watson. Also, I swear to god Ritchie transparently trying to set up a Holmes/Watson/Mary threesome with that "He would have wanted to come with us" line at the end. What have they done to me. D:
*Who, by the way, is bloody gorgeous. I absolutely loved his five minutes in the film, and he packed so much backstory into a few lines of dialogue that you got invested in his character despite that he never appears again. Hence the 'shipping.
- I just watched Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows