I use this journal for dumping fic and memes

There, you're fairly warned

Excellent As The Cedars
sitr ot3
lazaefair
Excellent As The Cedars

By: lazaefair

Rating: Explicit

Fandom: Night at the Museum

Relationship: Larry Daley/Ahkmenrah

Summary: His countenance is as Lebanon, excellent as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet: yea, he is altogether lovely.

Notes: So this is porn. Blowjobs, to be specific. Disclaimer: I still haven't seen NATM 3. This takes place between NATM 1 and 2.

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Fic: Lipstick
sitr ot3
lazaefair
My friends have dragged me into Teen Wolf fandom.

Also Holland Roden looks uniquely fabulous in red lipstick.

Title: Lipstick
Author: Lazaefair
Fandom: Teen Wolf
Character: Lydia Martin

When people are watching your mouth, imagining the things your mouth could do to them or where your mouth has been, they’re not watching your eyes. Or your hands. They’re not listening to the words coming out of your mouth.

The red lipstick is one of the pieces of her armor. It’s distracting to the people who swing her way, and infuriating to the people who don’t.

Red for sex. Red for power.

Red for sacrifice. Red for death.

Don’t get her wrong. Sometimes she forgoes the red lipstick and walks out in a glossy pink, or even nude. Let no one think she is predictable.

But in the night, in her dreams, she always returns to red. When she stands in the shadows over another dead body, all that’s visible is the gleam of her eye and the red of her mouth. She listens. And she screams.
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New Sun Rising
sitr ot3
lazaefair
I'm going to spend the rest of my life finishing WIPs started when I was in my early 20s, aren't I.

Anyway, this is it, guys. This is my Night At The Museum Larry/Ahkmenrah magnum opus. The longest fic I've ever written in which I seek to explain things that nobody ever asked to be explained. I figured I should probably finish and post the damn thing before it's thoroughly Jossed by December.

Rated G for nothing shocking happening, but I think the characters say some swear words. Also, all historical research was conducted on Wikipedia.

Title: New Sun Rising
Author: Lazaefair
Fandom: Night at the Museum
Pairing: Larry/Ahkmenrah

It's easy to see that Rexy the Tyrannosaurus recognizes something kindred in Ahkmenrah, and maybe that's why the dinosaur accepts him as a rider so easily. The pharaoh shares an affinity with Rexy that the others don't: they both used to be alive.

But Ahkmenrah is unique in another respect, he tells Larry one day. He is the only of them who remembers dying.

And he remembers being dead: waking up alone in his tomb every night.

Guarding the tablet.

Unbelievably bored out of his mind.
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Hi.
sitr ot3
lazaefair
I miss writing.

Fic: You said it loud and I heard you
sitr ot3
lazaefair
First off: People who know me in real life, please do me the courtesy of not reading this.

Everyone else:

Pairing: Tony Stark/Bruce Banner
Fandom: The Avengers 2012
Rating: Explicit

Tony is an omega. Bruce is an alpha. Pr0n happens.

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I maded another thing
sitr ot3
lazaefair
Chapter 2 (kind of?) of With the Punches. Incorporates another kinkmeme prompt about Bruce's glasses.

Rating: E for Explicit Fun for Everyone! (NC-17, to clarify.)

Tony/Bruce, Clint Barton cameo

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I maded a thing
sitr ot3
lazaefair
With the Punches

Fandom: The Avengers (2012)
Pairing: Bruce Banner/Everybody (basically)
Rating: PG-13 for language and implied situations

Warning: casual polyamory ahoy! And it's post-canon.

Written for the avengers kinkmeme.

Prompt: "Bruce is so mild and unassuming, that the rest of the team can't help falling for his quiet charm. Bruce isn't exactly sure how he keeps falling into bed with these handsome, muscle-y people."


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On font sizes
sitr ot3
lazaefair
Seriously, what's with all the fanficcers who love formatting their communities with itty-bitty teeny tiny fonts? *squints at screen* I'm not getting any younger here (yes, I just said that) and it's straining my eyes trying to read light-gray-on-white Helvetica 9 point. *squints some more*

I keep going back to AO3. At least they have the wisdom to make their default font a sensible size and color. I want my Lassiter/Spencer porn to be easily readable, dammit.

In only marginally related rants, why is it that the sentence
"Merry Christmas Carleton," he whispered.
so goddamn irritating to me?

Is it the missing comma? Or the sure knowledge that no one actually whispers sentimental sap out loud to themselves while standing alone in kitchens, except in badly written fanfiction? Or perhaps it's the ludicrous idea of Shawn Spencer whispering sentimental sap out loud to himself while standing alone in the kitchen? Or it's knowing that the writer actually intends this moment to be tender, instead of bad soap opera? At least it wasn't Lassiter doing it, that would have been hair-tearingly bad. People, listen, the only reason why TV character say things to themselves when they're alone is because we can't read their minds so they have to say their thoughts out loud. You're writing a story in text, you don't have to do this. Just keep their embarrassingly out-of-character schmoopy thoughts inside their inner monologues like normal and we'll be fine. Maybe. Probably not. Baby steps. (It's probably the missing comma.)
Tags:

How did I break my writer's block with 1064 words of porn?
sitr ot3
lazaefair
With Sherlock Holmes fanfiction porn, my dear Watson. And not actually any nice normal Holmes/Watson porn, but porn for an evil villain rare pairing. And I can't stop writing them. Why.

Title: That one time at that one place, Paris
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes 2009 - aka Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes - aka why do you do this to me, Jared Harris and Paul Anderson
Pairing: Professor Moriarty/Sebastian Moran
Rating: NC-17

Spoilers for A Game of Shadows.

Written for this kinkmeme prompt (my fic is here.)
"After the opera, they go back to their hotel room in Paris giddy with the accomplishment of their recent destruction. Moriarty pays his gratitude to Moran with sex."

I could have broken writer's block with something reputable. But no...Collapse )

I just watched Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows
sitr ot3
lazaefair
Okay, so, I give up. I surrender. Fanfiction writers are officially defunct. This movie has already written its own fanfiction for us. There was legitimate hurt/comfort in there, guys. It is its own fanfiction.

I mean, Chrissakes, Holmes has his legs up around Watson's ears at one point! The (almost) final moment features Holmes and Watson gazing into each other's eyes and then shutting them in eternal soul-rending anguish! Mary Morstan almost shoots a man and then Holmes says, "Do you trust me?" and she says "No," and he says "I'll have to do something about that"!! Even the gypsy, Simza, was looking at Holmes and Watson like, Who are you guys and why are you gay bantering in my tent? and later in the train like, Okay, you're totally fucking, you don't have to hide it. The Sharpshooter Guy (Moran) discusses opera with his evil employer! Holmes and Watson waltz together in public at a ball! Holmes battles Moriarty in a mind-duel on the astral plane! (Really.) Stephen Fry gets naked in this movie! That's practically a commandment!

This movie gets down on its knees and begs for the dirtiest fanfiction ever. It's like Guy Ritchie and the rest were trying to pack in the most amount of Ho Yay, innuendo, wink-winks, and enticements to threesomes that I've ever seen. I think I'm kind of shipping Moran with Watson now. Or how about Simza/Anarchist French Guy (Claude?)*/Watson. Also, I swear to god Ritchie transparently trying to set up a Holmes/Watson/Mary threesome with that "He would have wanted to come with us" line at the end. What have they done to me. D:


*Who, by the way, is bloody gorgeous. I absolutely loved his five minutes in the film, and he packed so much backstory into a few lines of dialogue that you got invested in his character despite that he never appears again. Hence the 'shipping.

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